I've been trying to work through some exercises to help heal from symptoms of complex post traumatic stress disorder that I've recently been dealing with (anxiety, trouble sleeping), and one I've found helpful is working on becoming more aware of specific ways that doctrines and practices in our church manipulated my thoughts and feelings in emotionally hurtful ways. I write about them here mainly because it helps me get more in touch with my own feelings, but also in the hope others might feel empowered by recognizing similarities to their own experiences. I hope that sharing these thoughts does not offend anyone - as Manic Street Preachers once titled an album, This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours.
The following are specific manipulations that felt most powerful to me:
1) Being taught to interpret my own deeply personal spiritual experiences as evidence that all doctrines of the church were "true" and that God was directly inspiring the leaders of the church.
2) Being taught that rituals and ceremonies had real power beyond mere symbolism: blessings could literally heal, garments literally provided physical protection (well beyond that inherent in their fabric construction), faith and prayers could literally persuade God to intervene to protect self and loved ones. Whenever real life experience conflicted with these miraculous possibilities, I was taught to either blame myself for not being righteous enough or not having enough faith, or to assume that God had other plans, which unfortunately often feels as though God didn't care enough about me to help. The pressure of being given the opportunity to give a priesthood blessing to someone in serious medical need was often extremely traumatic. I think mentally healthy ways to practice such rituals would see them only as symbolic gestures of our hopes and love for each other.
3) Feeling guilt for Christ's suffering and death and for the contributions my sins made to His suffering. Being taught that I was not enough on my own, but that my inherent impurities required God to sacrifice his Son to fix me.
4) Being taught to trust the authority of inspired leaders over my own thoughts and feelings and to distrust my own feelings and convictions whenever they conflicted with the teachings and policies of the church.
5) Being taught to distrust outside sources and discouraged from seeking other points of view or sources of knowledge that conflict with official church teachings and historical accounts.
6) Thought stopping techniques, such as "doubt your doubts". Being taught to fear honest questions and doubts as possibly coming from Satan or potentially leading me to commit the sin of denying the Holy Ghost, rather than feeling free to explore my emotions and feelings.
I find it healing to spend some time recognizing and feeling the trauma I felt through these experiences, realizing that no one intentionally meant to hurt me, and letting go.
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