In Response to Lisa

Lisa, thank you so much for responding. It means a lot to me that you’re willing to be vulnerable and share your thoughts and feelings. I agree that it would be great if we could all be more of a support to each other. I haven’t done very well in that area.

I would like to respond to your question about how eliminating the need for a savior helps overcome feelings of self-loathing. I will try my best to explain how I feel, though I doubt I’ll be able to fully capture it.

My thoughts about this begin with a question: What is the savior saving us from? In order to appreciate and understand the concept of a savior, I had to understand what we are being saved from. The answer I’ve most often been given is that he saves us from the consequences of our sins. (In the book Mark referenced, there is a slightly gentler idea that he saves us from the human condition; to me, though, these ideas are pretty much the same.) If we accept that the savior is saving us from the consequences of our sins, then, in my mind, two questions follow: 1) How is sin defined, meaning, what actions or states are sinful and necessitate the rescue? and 2) Why is God unable to forgive us, or release us from the consequences of our sins, without a blood atonement?

I wrestled with these two questions for a long time, and I was unsatisfied with the only answers I could find.

I’ll address my first question: How is sin defined? From what I was taught beginning at a young age, the definition of sin includes the entirety of the human condition. I think you tapped into this a little when you expressed that self-loathing comes because of our humanness. Certainly, I have always been taught and believed that humanness equates with sinfulness, and for most of my life, I too lived with self-loathing because of my humanness. However, I can no longer accept this idea. From my own experience, and from research I’ve read, I am convinced that self-loathing leads to mental health problems, and no value or good can come of it. Furthermore, I think feelings of self-loathing are inevitable when humanness is equated with sinfulness. If our very nature is sinful, how can we not loathe ourselves?

There are many teachings in the church which tell us that humanness is sinfulness. For example, in “The Miracle of Forgiveness,” Spencer W. Kimball teaches that all the following are sins which require repentance: irreverence, boasting, pride, profanity, impurity, foolishness, impatience, lack of understanding, jealousy, bitterness, greediness, disobedience, insatiable appetites, covetousness, ignorance, willfulness, quarreling, lustfulness, unthankfulness, inhospitality, unholiness, indiscretion… and the list goes on and on. Basically, the emotions and sufferings of the human condition are the sins which Jesus suffered and died for. The problem, though, is that each of us experiences these feelings on an ongoing basis. They are part of being a human, and it is unhealthy for us to feel sorrow or guilt or shame because of our humanness. We are human, and we experience life as humans, and we can’t be anything other than human. Self-loathing comes from feeling that, because of our very natures, we are always falling short and should always be repenting before God.

Equating humanness with sinfulness has created mental health problems in our family. Collectively, we have experienced depression, anxiety, suicidality, and complications of OCD such as scrupulosity, perfectionism, anorexia, and bulimia. All these mental health problems have stemmed from the conviction that humanness is sinfulness. For example, stemming from this doctrine, Mark viewed a whole range of human emotions as sins, so, from a young age, he learned to suppress any of these “sinful” emotions. However, these emotions are part of being human; all of us will, at times, feel angry, or willful, or greedy, or disobedient, or jealous, or bitter, or impatient, or lustful, or irreverent, etc. Contrary to what President Kimball taught, these emotions will occasionally arise, and to be emotionally healthy, we need to allow ourselves to feel and process them – not feel ashamed and deny or suppress them. It is true that emotions could lead to destructive actions, so we must learn to manage them – but the emotions themselves are not sins. When emotions are labeled as sins, we try to avoid the sin by suppressing the emotion, but this causes anxiety, depression, and OCD complications. Therefore, labeling normal human emotions as “sinful” is problematic. I cannot agree that humanness is sinfulness.

I think of the analogy of a small child. A small child is unable to walk without falling down, or talk without grammatical errors, or feel angry without throwing a temper tantrum. However, as the child grows, he learns – he learns to walk steadily, he learns to use correct grammar, and he learns to more effectively express emotions. I see the whole human condition as exactly the same thing – a learning process that requires patience and self-love and trying again. A child is not “sinning” when he falls down or throws a tempter tantrum, he is doing the best he can with his limited knowledge and experience. In the same way, I cannot see President Kimball’s above list as “sins;” they are merely part of the human condition, which is a learning and growing process.

This may seem like nothing more than semantics, but for me the difference is big. I found that for me (and for our family), when I viewed myself as sinning, or in a fallen state, I experienced feelings of shame and self-loathing. The burden of self-loathing was so heavy that I often found myself slipping into depression, unable pull myself up to the higher plane I desired. However, when I see myself, instead, as similar to a little child – still learning, still growing, making mistakes from lack of knowledge or maturity – I am able to apply self-love and self-compassion, and these gentle feelings inspire and empower me to lift myself up to a higher plane. I have found that, for myself, feeling indebted and guilty before a savior is the opposite of enabling and empowering – it is soul-crushing.

I lived my life this way, and I had adapted to it and accepted it. Self-loathing was part of who I was – I didn’t see any alternatives, and I was ok with that. However – I literally could not bear to see my children loathe themselves. I know I’ve talked a lot about Maryn’s suicide attempt, but it shattered my world. Coming to terms with the knowledge that my child chose death rather than life, that her self-loathing was so great that she couldn’t bear it any longer – it literally undid me. My world came apart, and I spent months putting it back together. But, no matter how hard I tried, I could not make the pieces fit together they way they had before. I could no longer see any justification for self-loathing, or any doctrine which leads to it. Self-love and self-compassion became the most important thing to me – more important than righteousness or repentance or faithfulness or love of God or indebtedness to a savior. For months and years, I kept attending church because I couldn’t imagine abandoning it. But every Sunday, all I could hear was that we are falling short, we need to improve, we need to repent. I wanted to scream No! We just need to love ourselves!! Self-love is the fertile ground where all our desired divine attributes will grow. Self-loathing is desolation – it crushes our souls. We cannot hate ourselves into perfection or shame ourselves into righteousness.

I tried and tried and tried to see a way to believe in a savior without experiencing self-loathing. I couldn’t find it. To me, they are tied together. It is because we are fallen and sinful that Jesus needed to die to redeem us. If we are able to redeem ourselves, if we are able heal ourselves, then we wouldn’t need that sacrifice. But I believe that, just as our bodies are able to heal themselves, our souls encompass divine power and goodness which allow us to heal ourselves and forgive ourselves and love ourselves – and then we are able to extend that healing and forgiveness and love to others, without recompense. When I see myself and others this way, I feel strengthened and empowered to become the person I want to become.

Now I’ll address my second question: Why is God unable to forgive us, or release us from the consequences of our sins, without a blood atonement? I struggled and wrestled with this question for a long time. I came to believe that if this were a true principle, then it would resonate within each of us, because truth resonates. However, in my experience, the exact opposite of this concept is what resonates with me and feels true. I cannot imagine a scenario where, if one of my children made a mistake, and came to me asking for forgiveness and help, I would respond, “Yes, I will forgive you and help you to heal from this, but only if your older brother, who was not involved in the mistake, will pay a blood sacrifice. If he will, say, cut off his finger, then the demand of justice will be satisfied and I will forgive you.” This seems ludicrous to me, and the opposite of truth. Instead, in this scenario, I would feel love and compassion for my child; I would view their mistake as lack of knowledge, I would recognize that they were learning from their pain, I would feel grateful for this growing experience, I would extend forgiveness and mercy and help. This would be my natural response. I cannot reconcile how I, in a mortal and fallen state, am able to extend mercy and forgiveness without a blood sacrifice or redemption, yet an all-powerful and all-loving God cannot. I can’t fathom it. If it is true, then why does this truth not resonate within me? If God is the example of a perfect parent, then why do I, as a parent, not feel inclined to follow his example?

Initially, however, I did follow this example of parenting. Certainly, in my home growing up, I experienced the law of justice more than I experienced the law of mercy, and regrettably, I began parenthood following the example I had learned. I was strict and harsh with my children. I emphasized righteous behavior and a quest for perfection. Mistakes required diligent repentance equal to the weight of the sin.

I truly believe that this form of parenting was a mistake which contributed to the mental health problems my daughters suffered. Over time, I learned through my own experience that this was not the right approach. I learned that my children and I were happier and healthier when we lived in love and compassion rather than in strict obedience and justice. This left me with the question: If I apply the law of justice, similar to how our heavenly father applies it to us, and my children experience depression and anxiety and self-loathing, then how can it be true? Furthermore, if I extend forgiveness without atonement or recompense, and I am happier and my children thrive, then how can the doctrine of atonement be an eternal and true principle? I am convinced that it is not. Further, I am convinced that many in the church experience depression, anxiety, and self-loathing because they feel this law being applied to them by a heavenly parent. I certainly did.

To summarize, I have come to believe that the doctrines of the church are directly tied to feelings of unworthiness and self-loathing, and that these lead to mental health problems. I recognize that this may not be everyone’s experience, but in our family, we were unable to find a way to live the teachings of the church without suffering mental health problems. After we stepped out of the church, we found that our collective levels of anxiety, depression, and OCD complications decreased. We found ourselves better able to live in self-love and self-compassion. We found greater peace when we stopped always worrying about the many ways we might be sinning. Personally, I have found more clarity and a greater sense of who I am and what I am able to become. Through self-love, I feel empowered to be the forgiving, empathetic, loving person I want to be.

I feel truly sorry if this decision has been painful for anyone in the family. Our goal was not to hurt or disappoint, just to find our way forward through our own unique challenges. We love all of you and are very grateful for your expressions of love and acceptance.